Me, waiting for this weeks photo challenge


My beautiful nightmare…

Communication., such an easy concept in theory. We  simlply say what’s on our minds, listen to each other’s concerns and work out a mutually beneficial solution together, yet  it seems almost impossible for me to communicate effectively with anybody these days? 
It’s even harder when you want nothing more than to believe the things your loved ones say but every fibre of your being is screaming out that they’re lying & not doing it well!  Why bother trying to have an honest d&m if one party continues to lie & then deny? After a while you start to wonder if it’s because they care about you & are worried you’ll be hurt by their actions or if they simply think you’re stupid and don’t respect you or your relationship at all. The child in me reacts by going silent, deciding to give him the same level of respect he’s showing me, inwardly dealing with each lie exposed . Somehow my silence is interpreted as being cryptic when it’s really the only way for me to weigh & process the information in my own time. My poor old heart just gets heavier every time I give him the benefit of doubt and then find out I was right to be worried. 
The thing that breaks me the most is that I know that I am extremely  tolerant & non judgmental. My love is given freely without conditions or expectation’s, especially with my inner circle. All I ask is that they have the moxy to tell me if they don’t feel the same even if it will hurt me. People think t’s kinder for all if they hide the truth, nobody likes to be the cause of someone’s heartache. In reality, nothing is further from the truth when the truth finally comes out (and it always does) if they have been lying all along despite all the “easy outs” you tried to offer. 
He spits out in a burst of anger that he told me at the start that he’s  a shit person and I didn’t listen as if it’s a valid argument. It’s not, and he’s not seeing the same yldguy I see. We all have the capability to be shit people, and we’re all given  the choice  of NOT being shit. He’s a good man but he is a shit liar. xx

Life and Death, A day of mixed emotions!

It was approximately 11pm on the eleventh of October, 2004 when the contractions started again. Since I’d had 2 false alarms previously, I was determined to wait until I knew it was really labour this time before I bothered the midwives again.

Suddenly the phone rang, I answered it with trepidation. Calls at this time of night are never good news.  I was right,  unfortunately it was our aunty calling to tell us that our beloved Uncle Rob was in hospital with bleeding on his brain.  My husband was distraught and didn’t know what to do, torn between being at the hospital with Rob and the family and being there for me as our 3rd daughter made her grand entrance.  Of course I made him go see his uncle,  just in case he didn’t get to say goodbye.

The plan was for me to stay home and contact his sister, who was very close and had no idea Rob was in ICU.  Dee was also our babysitter when I went into hospital but she wouldn’t answer her phone. She would be shattered if she did not say goodbye to her favourite uncle so I sent her brother off on another errand,  this time to go bash on her windows and take her to ICU as soon as she wakes up.

If the contractions increased before he got back,  I was to call an ambulance and meet hubby at the birthing unit.  First,  I had to organise a backup babysitter. Thank God Wendy was home and happily took our toddlers for the night.

As we entered into the early hours of the twethfth of October,  two things became certain.  Rob’s condition was deteriorating fast and this was not another false labour, our baby girl had decided she would definitely be making her appearance within the next few hours. I hoped we could hold on till the family said goodbye, trying to pretend that I wasn’t worried that I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye or that the contractions weren’t that painful.

Finally at around 7:30am, hubby dropped me at the delivery suite on his way back to ICU and I prepared myself mentally in case I had to give birth alone.

Uncle Rob passed away at 8am,  to everyone’s distress.  Hubby made it back just in time to meet Alicia. 

I often wonder if Uncle Rob and Alicia both held off going toward their respective lights, especially when Alicia perfectly mimmicks his mannerisms without ever meeting him.